“I step on necks.”

Continuing with my year of pop culture, I decided to finally paint a set of miniatures I’ve had for at least ten years, “Action Dude” by East Riding Miniatures; from their Golgo Island line (which I now think is owned, or at least managed, by Hasslefree).

“Action Dude” is a set of four miniatures who are obviously NOT Chuck Norris. First up is Chuck as Colonel James Braddock, from his “Missing in Action” film franchise. In the first film, Braddock, a Vietnam veteran, returns to Vietnam to free POWs who are still being held captive (kinda like Rambo). In the second film, the timeline flashes back to when Braddock himself was a POW; and shows how he escapes (by killing all the guards, and beating Soon Tek Oh, the commandant, in hand-to-hand combat). The third film, Braddock returns once again to Vietnam; this time to find and rescue his son whom he unknowingly fathered while over there the first time. Here’s the trailer for Missing in Action III, in which Braddock delivers the greatest movie line ever, which is also the title of this post.

Next is Chuck as Colt, from Way of the Dragon (released as Return or the Dragon here in the US). This one doesn’t end well for Action Dude; but then again, he is fighting Bruce Lee, so that’s to be expected. Enjoy this classic fight, and remember to manscape every once in a while, lest someone pull out a fistful of your manly, 1970’s wookie-like chest hair.

Invasion U.S.A. is hands-down one of the shittiest action movies ever to come out of the 80’s, and that is truly an exceptional distinction. Chuck, as Matt Hunter, wears a lot of denim in this movie and carries twin Mac-10 submachineguns in a shoulder rig that he likes so much, he doesn’t bother to take the guns out of it while he kills people with them. The movie features Richard Lynch who really stretches his acting muscles (and injures himself terribly) when he attempts to affect a Russian accent. He’s the leader of an “army” made up of international terrorists and other assorted assholes who would, conceivably, succeed in invading the USA if not for Action Dude himself. Watch the trailer below. It looks like this terrorist army is made up of about 87 guys, against the entire US military. We’re fucked!

Finally, here’s Chuck from arguably his most famous role, “Walker, Texas Ranger”. I never watched Walker regularly, but I’ve seen enough episodes to know that they follow a pretty standard formula, much like the old A-Team or Incredible Hulk TV series. In those, there would usually be two fights per episode, and at least one of them would end up with Mr. T or the Hulk throwing someone in slow-motion over a car or into some collapsible set pieces. Substitute a patented Chuck Norris roundhouse kick for the throw, and you pretty much have the same thing. The best part of Walker, Texas Ranger is that Chuck Norris sang the theme song. If you didn’t know that, you can hear it for yourself below. And you’re welcome.

That’s a heapin’ helpin’ of pop culture for ya this time around; but I’m just getting started! The year is still young.

9 thoughts on ““I step on necks.”

  1. Dick Garrison

    Great stuff mate! Love all the miniatures, though Ii have to admit I don’t think I’ve seen many of the films (Return of the Dragon, of course, and at least a couple of the Missing in Action movies I think), I might have to look for “Imvasion USA” it sounds like my sort of rubbish but no miniature for Chucks greatest film role…as himself in Dodgeball!! “Damn you Chuck Norris!”.

    Cheers Roger.

    1. The Angry Piper Post author

      I must admit, while painting these miniatures I got a powerful urge to watch these films again. I remembered I thought they were pretty bad; even as a kid growing up in Reagan’s America; where (if you believe Hollywood) we brought the can of whoopass to anyone who even so much as looked at us wrong, set it in their lap and opened it for them. Sadly, despite subscribing to no less than 3 streaming services, I STILL can’t find Invasion USA or any of the Missing in Action movies for my viewing enjoyment (?) without having to pay extra. And Roger…believe me when I say none of these movies is worth paying for.
      And I forgot about his cameo in Dodgeball (probably because Rip Torn, Jason Bateman and Gary Cole stole that movie). I also liked him in the Expendables II. Please tell me you’ve seen that.

  2. Matt

    Great work on all these, Keith! They’re pretty good sculpts and you’ve really captured Chuck’s look in each of the movies. I’ve seen one of the Missing in Actions and made it through about half of Invasion USA before doing something less painful, such as slamming my nuts in the fridge door.

    Looking forward to seeing more pop culture stuff from you!

    1. The Angry Piper Post author

      Thanks! All you really need to see of Invasion USA is in the trailer, Matt. It might not get any worse than that; but it certainly doesn’t get any better. I’d ask why you were going into your fridge with your nuts out, but nah. No kink-shaming here, buddy.

  3. Dave Stone

    Well this post brought back a lot of memories ( not all of hem good ! LOL) excellent work on the many faces of Chuck you’ve done Keith, all though there is still a lot of 80’s versions of him missing, but a quick bit of greenstuff, on the existing models you could have a full set ! LOL

    1. The Angry Piper Post author

      I don’t have that kind of skill! Who do you think I am, Dave Stone? Do we need a “Breaker, Breaker” Chuck? Or a Lone Wolf McQuade? Maybe not. But I’m with you on The Hitman. We need that mullet immortalized in 28mm!!!

      1. Dave Stone

        Never heard of him is he any good ? ROFL
        The Hitman would be a good one, also even though it’s not Chuck Norris, but a Equaliser model with the flame thrower would be cool as well ( thinking of the old 80’s movie, not the series or recent remakes)

Comments are closed.